Hidden Pain: Looking at Those Around Us with A Lens of Grace

By Jessica Brodie

He was the kind of guy who always had a smile and a kind word, who made you feel good when he was around. But inside, there must’ve been a depth of pain no one had any idea about. For one day, he left the building on his work break, then drove to a deserted field and put a gun to his head.

Just like that, his life was over.

Now, those around him are left with so many questions—had he given any signs this was coming? Was there something he’d said, something that hinted he had this planned? What about that last conversation—should they have listened better, talked less? Were there any clues or cues between the lines they’d missed?

Suicide is an incredibly painful, awful thing, impacting not only the person who takes his or her own life but everyone surrounding them, even those on the fringes.

For the suicide victim, just imagine the pain they are feeling. They feel all alone, desperate, hopeless. Maybe they believe there is no other option. All they want to do is end the chaos or the emptiness or the horror in their mind.

For their closest family, friends, and other loved ones, it is perhaps even more agonizing. Often, we blame ourselves, wonder what we did or didn’t do in those final days or weeks or hours. Anger swirls—often at ourselves and often at them, furious and simultaneously heartbroken they would do such a thing and leave us in their wake.

And then there are the countless acquaintances, neighbors, coworkers, friends—people who weren’t in their inner circle, but who still somehow feel responsible or let down, baffled perhaps. Was it something they’d said or done to contribute to this? How had they missed the warning signs?

When people die unexpectedly, it’s always hard. But when someone you know dies from suicide and you never saw it coming, it hits you like a gut punch.

You question your last encounters with them over and over.

I’ve been touched by suicide in my life, had people very, very close to me try to take their lives; I am forever grateful they did not succeed. I am still haunted by the handful of classmates and other acquaintances lost to suicide.

Today—given COVID, mental health issues, economic turmoil, racial issues, and more—more and more people are contemplating suicide or struggling with major mental health issues. I personally know of two young people in my community who have taken their lives in the last couple of months, and that’s just among the people I know.

I find myself looking around these days at the people I encounter with a fresh lens of grace and compassion, looking past the mask to their eyes, searching for pain and heartache. I find myself genuinely asking how they are, or offering a silent prayer when I suspect they are hurting within.

All around us people are suffering. Most of the time they still have one foot planted in the now, but sometimes that foot starts sliding toward an invisible line between “hanging in there” and hopelessness. Maybe they just have one toe clinging to slippery soil. Maybe they’ve crossed over that line and are plotting and planning how they will carry it out.

But sometimes people are still straddling that line looking for signs that the world is not so cruel after all. Perhaps your smile or your kind word, perhaps your grace, can be the stopgap for one more day for them. And then another. And another.

Perhaps your thoughtful, compassionate questions and care can help steer them to the help they need.

If you’ve lost someone you know to suicide, please know that it is not your fault. Sometimes there are things going on that have absolutely nothing to do with us. Sometimes people are haunted by things no one can possibly fix. We don’t understand the mysteries of the people around us. Only God knows.

As Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (NIV).

If you encounter someone who is hurting and could use some help, know that help is out there. And that help is truly just a phone call away.

Help them call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Caring, knowledgeable people are there 24 hours a day, seven days a week to talk to them and steer them to help.

That number is 800-273-8255.

Together, we can help.

Prefer video? Check out Jessica’s YouTube devotional on this topic, here: