Finding Jesus in the Heartache of Loss
By Jessica Brodie
I had no words when she told me her tragedy—nothing I could offer but heartache, there in the stillness of her anguish. Words, such a comfort in other moments, paled miserably against her pain.
All I could do was listen, love, reach out soul-to-soul in that timeless, universal connection we all somehow know without knowing.
Mourning has a language all its own.
When someone we love loses someone they love, it’s hard to know exactly how to be there for them. As a follower of Christ, I know Jesus is there with us. But I now look back and realize I’ve had seasons when I wasn’t reflecting that love of Christ through all my well-intentioned words. Perhaps at the time I thought I was, but deep down I know I’ve stumbled and bumbled my way through loving people well in their time of grief.
Experience can be a wise teacher—and better yet has been opening my heart to the full working of the Holy Spirit through me in times of grief. Today, I’ve learned a few things about how to help people I love feel the ever-present comfort of Jesus in the heartache of loss.
Here, I offer some things I’ve learned in the hopes they help you comfort someone else:
1. Listen
Listen to them! Believe it or not, you don’t actually have to say anything other than simply accept what they’re feeling. You might tell them you’re so sorry for their loss, but otherwise, just being there with open ears and an open heart is a tremendous gift. Hear their words and their anguish. Let them vent or rail or cry or get mad—whatever it is they need to express. Be someone who can listen to them openly and would love without judging. And volunteer to listen if they want to talk about the person they’ve lost. Sometimes people fear bringing that subject up because they don’t want their loved one to get upset or start crying, but being able to talk about their grief might just be the best gift they can receive right now.
2. Pray
Pray for them, or even pray with them. You can pray with them over the phone or in person—or you can just pray for them on your own. You can pray when you wake up and when you go to sleep at night—and in between, whenever you think of them. Talk to God on their behalf and request God’s soothing arms of comfort to wrap around them like a warm, loving blanket. They might be feeling angry at God or unable to talk to God for whatever reason right now, but you can talk to God for them. You can pray.
3. Accept
Accept their grief mood, whatever it is. Let them grieve whatever way works for them. Some people want to research a million things that can explain what happened or what they could have done differently or why this happened. Some people just want bury themselves in bed and binge-watch old movies until the pain eases enough for them to breathe again. Some people are angry, really ticked off at the world—their rage is almost palpable. All of these things are fine. There is no one “correct” way to grieve. Accept that. You might grieve differently or have grieved differently—you might even have spiritual or philosophical reasons why this is so. But you are not them, and you are not feeling their emotions right now. Let them grieve.
4. Guide
Guide them. Steer them to a counselor, a pastor, a support group, or some other place that can offer therapy or an outlet for their grief. Some people know they should see a counselor but they don’t know how to get started or even who to call. Some people toy with the idea of a counselor but assume it’s only for people with major psychiatric issues (nope: counseling is for everyone!). Even if they decide not to take your advice about talking to a mental health expert, at least broach the subject. If they are not ready for it now, introducing the topic might plant the seed in their mind, and later on they might seek therapy or other mental health assistance for their grief.
5. Touch base
Touch base with them frequently, even if it’s just nonsense or just to say hi or ask how they are doing or feeling today. Send a text, leave a voicemail, or pop a note in their front door. You don’t need to stalk them with messages or pressure them to reply. Just reaching out to say, “Hey, just checking on you. You don’t need to reply unless you’re ready,” is good too. Just the simple act reaching out lets them know they are important and loved and cared for. They might not feel like talking, but at least they will know they are loved.
6. Share
If you knew the person they lost, sharing stories about how much they personally impacted you or some of your favorite things about them can be helpful. Even if it’s a few weeks after their passing, a letter or a sympathy card with a thoughtful memory can become a treasure.
7. Steer
Steer them to the Bible or to church. As with counseling, they might not be ready yet to read God’s word. Many times people are extremely angry at God, believing He “took” their loved one away from them. Throwing your favorite scripture verses at them to counter their pain might be something they don’t want to hear right now. But if there are a few thoughtful, heartfelt verses that resonate with you as you pray for them, don’t hesitate to offer them over. The Holy Spirit might just be speaking through those words directly to their heart. Also, you can offer to sit with them at church if they are receptive. Sometimes having a “battle buddy” to share grief with during public moments can be immensely valuable.
These are just a few that come to mind, but I know there are more. What other suggestions can you think of? Have you experienced love through another during your own grieving process? What has been helpful to you?