‘We Survived Infidelity’: One woman’s faith story
This week, I’m honored to feature my friend and fellow writer Hilarie Barry (pictured above with her book) on my blog. I met Hilarie a couple of years ago when God put us together as roommates at a Christian writers’ retreat. We became fast friends, and I’ve been encouraged by her journey as an author. Hilarie and her husband are survivors of an extremely painful experience: infidelity. But their story is a beautiful one and now woven into their faith journey. She has just released a new book, We Survived Infidelity: An Unexpected Life Lesson, that she hopes will help other women by telling the story of God at work in her life. So, without further ado, I introduce you to Hilarie!
Q: First, tell us a little about yourself: where you live, what you do besides write, and one unexpected fun fact about you.
Hilarie: I live in a beautiful log home in central Ohio with my husband, Joe. Five of our seven adult children and all of our 11 grandchildren live out of state, so Joe and I travel a lot. Being with our energetic, chaotic family is one of our favorite pastimes. I have been teaching children with special needs for more than 40 years. Their excitement over the little things reminds me to keep it simple whenever possible. Joe says one of the more entertaining things about me is that I love to dance on rollerblades. I used to take my skates with me everywhere I went. Touring London on rollerblades was so much fun. I had adventures I never would have found on foot. On another trip, I learned very quickly that Venice is not a rollerblading destination—too many bridges over all those canals. Joe and I had a great 10-year season as triathletes prior to our life lesson. We both hope to get back into racing soon.
Q: Why did you write this book?
Hilarie with her book.
Hilarie: I didn’t really start writing with the intention of writing a book. When I learned that Joe was having an affair, the first thing I did was pick up my laptop and start journaling. It was my way of trying to sort through the pain and confusion. Throughout our entire journey from brokenness into healing, I never stopped writing. About two years and 700 journal pages later, I felt like I was writing a book. I had developed a relationship with God, and I felt His nudge to do something with my writing. Originally, I thought I would just pull some of pages together for my daughters. None of our kids have a relationship with God, and they were confused by my new obsession with Him. I wanted them to understand why I couldn’t stop talking about God.
It wasn’t until I started the difficult work of crying my way through my journals that I realized our story could help other women who were as lost as I had been. I was almost finished with the book before I realized that it was a God story. God had a plan all along to share our healing for His glory. He led me every step of the way, through surviving infidelity, coming to know Him, and writing this book. It was in obedience to Him that I pushed through even when I felt I should quit.
Q: How did you come to know Jesus?
Hilarie: It’s difficult to explain my coming to faith in a few sentences since my whole book really tells the story. Simply put, Joe was my foundation, my safe place. When that sense of grounding was swept away by his betrayal, my world was unrecognizable to me. I was lost and frightened. God handed me my laptop and said, “Write, Baby Girl. Write so I can find you.” And that’s what I did. I wrote and wrote until I began to hear Him. He told me to love my husband and help him get well. His words and His voice in my head quieted me. My obsession over Joe’s betrayal shifted to a desire to know God and to experience the peace He offered. When I woke in the middle of the night with agonizing thoughts, I felt called to write and talk with God about my pain. When I couldn’t trust Joe, I knew I could trust God. Joe followed my example and developed his own relationship with God. We accepted Jesus into our hearts together on February 15, 2015. Thankfully, God had a plan for us to make this journey together.
Q: How did your husband feel when you told him you hoped to write this book?
Hilarie: Right from the beginning Joe has been supportive of me writing this book. He isn’t happy about sharing his biggest shame but believes God wants to help people with our story. Joe doesn’t think it’s his place to stop that. Joe hired Larry Leech, a writing coach, to help me with the first draft of the book. He has continuously picked up the slack these last two years, giving me the time I needed—first to learn how to create scenes and narration out of my journals, and then to edit and reedit what I had written. More recently, Joe has read through my book a few times to help with the edits. Every reading brings tears to his eyes and more apologies for the pain he caused.
I gave Joe one final chance to veto the whole project. He just smiled and motioned for me to push the publish button.
Q: What do you hope readers take away from this book?
Hilarie: First, I pray that women who have been wounded by sexual betrayal, including pornography, will feel validated, less crazy, and not so all alone. I want them to have hope for their marriages and a better understanding of their husband’s journey. I hope husbands will also read my book and grasp the depth of their wives’ wounds. Healing from this relational trauma is a long process, but there are things a husband can do to support his wife. This book might be a place to start.
Finally, I pray that my book will bring others closer to God. I know it has already impacted one man who wrote this: “I read your book and realize how much I have missed having God in my life. The independence I feel is an illusion. Thank you for sharing yours and Joe’s story of pain and reconciliation and most importantly of God’s unending Grace.”
I love that We Survived Infidelity can have that kind of impact on someone. I pray that more people will be inspired by God’s glory in our story.
Q: Do you have other books in your heart now that this one has been written?
Hilarie: Many women who have read my book want me to gather its wisdom and lessons into a study book. I think that would be a great next project for Joe and me to work on together, a couples’ book called Our Life Lessons.
I invite you to connect with Hilarie and get to know her. Read her book (click here for the link on Amazon), or share it with someone who has experienced the pain of infidelity and needs to see God in the midst of it. Hilarie’s website is www.hilariebarry.com. Connect with her on Twitter @hilbarry, or join her Facebook private group, Infidelity Care for Women.
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Check out my related video on Hilarie’s book and how Christ brought transformation in her marriage, here! And I hope you'll also subscribe to my YouTube channel.