Sins of the past
By Jessica Brodie
Have you ever had one of those moments where you were utterly, gut-wrenchingly overwhelmed with the memory of the sins of your past? I’m not talking mild regret, that fleeting “wow, thank God I’m not like that anymore,” but that wave of repentance and regret that just brings you to your knees in disgust over the person you once were?
Whether it’s a period of lying or gossip or serious harm to another person, those sins are an offense to God, and sometimes, the memory just knocks us flat.
I’ve been a Christian for a long time, and I know we’re all lost without Jesus. I know none of us are perfect, that we’re all sinful beings, and only because of the sacrifice Jesus made by dying on the cross do we have access to eternal life in heaven and get to be called members of God’s family.
I’ve long since repented for my former ways, all that selfishness, turned it all over to Jesus, and felt the refreshing wave of forgiveness. I know I’m forgiven—I know we’re all forgiven when we accept Jesus.
And I also know repentance is a process I am to do daily. Every day, I mess up in some small way, even though I strive to live in a holy manner, and every day I turn back to God, say “I’m sorry,” and genuinely strive to do better. That process of becoming more holy, becoming more like Jesus, is called sanctification, and it’s a daily effort for us all.
Yet still it happens, and every once in a while I get a staggering wave of sickness for the bad things I did in the past. I feel so ashamed, in spite of the fact that I’ve been made new.
We’re not supposed to carry around the baggage of our past. When we are forgiven, we are new creations. And I suppose that, in a way, pondering some of these past events is me not really putting down that baggage after all. I think I’ve gotten rid of it, put it to rest a long time ago, but once in a while the baggage of the past comes back like an old familiar weight dragging me down to the ocean floor.
In times like this, I don’t know anything else to do but to repent once more, to thank God once more for the gift he’s given me.
Maybe there’s a positive purpose in this, and I just need to be reminded of the blessings I have and feel grateful once more to the very depths of my soul. Maybe I just need to be reminded of the miracle and unfathomable blessing it is that God loves us enough to give us this opportunity.
I don’t know why I have these occasional waves of shame, but I do. And frankly, it doesn’t even matter what they’re for. Today I’m remembering a lie I told, and in my heart I know that lie is as damning a sin as someone else’s sin of murder.
As we approach November, and more and more reminders of gratitude and thanksgiving crop up in stores and on social media, this is where I am right now. I’m in a place of gratitude. Even if nothing else is going well in your life, if you are a Christian, that is one thing you do have: the assurance of your salvation.
If you are brokenhearted or grieving today, if you are depressed or financially buried under what feels like an avalanche, if you’re going through a divorce or a breakup, a health struggle or a rough relationship, the pain of family dysfunction, just remember—God is the author of our lives. He is the creator of the universe, and in him we get a new chance at life. We get an identity that claims us as God’s children, beloved and special to him.
Once in a while it is OK to remember the sins of your past—not to beat yourself up, but to realize once more how great is the God we serve and how blessed we all are.
Today, join me in a spirit of gratitude over this gift we have. If you need to do some more repentance on a deeper level to make peace with things of the past, that’s OK, too. God is listening, and God loves you.
But at the end of the day, remember that you can lay every bit of it down at the cross. For as we are reminded in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (NIV).
Praise God.
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