Love in Another Language
By Jessica Brodie
Have you ever read a book that was life-changing? I certainly have, and among them is Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. I read the bestseller years ago, and what I really appreciated about it was the understanding it brought me about the ways I enjoy being loved—and the insight into how I can love the people in my world even better.
If you haven’t read it, Chapman identifies five major “love languages,” and one of them is our dominant form of expressing and receiving love. Those languages include acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, touch, and quality time.
My “love language” is words of affirmation, which is no surprise given that I’m a writer and count encouragement among my spiritual gifts. And for a long time, when I wanted to express love to someone, I naturally did this with my words, telling them how much they meant to me or what I admired about them.
But not everyone responds to words of affirmation like I do. For some people, words mean very little. And reading Chapman’s book, I realized it was in my best interest to attempt to understand their language and then try my best to love them their way.
This has remarkably changed my relationships with people and enabled me to connect with those I love in new and better, more fulfilling ways.
See, choosing to discover the love language of certain people in my world is an attempt on my part to be selfless and generous in my care. It makes a difference.
What’s interesting to me is that most of the people in my inner circle don’t have the same love language I do. So every day, to love my people well, I need to practice loving in their “language.” Think about it a bit like spoken language: I’ve forgotten much of the French I learned in high school and a lot of the Spanish I learned growing up in Miami because I don’t practice it every day. It’s the same thing with love languages—my fluency gets rusty if I don’t get the opportunity to practice it.
Here I share with you some of the ways I try to love the people in my life according to their particular love language, and how it helps me honor Jesus in doing so:
My son: acts of service
My son, Cameron, has acts of service as his love language. This means that when I do something nice for him, he interprets it as a form of love and care on my behalf. So with this in mind, I know that while he’s perfectly capable of getting himself a glass of water, if I want to be a loving mom to him, I might bring him a snack or get him a drink.
Recently, he let me borrow his car for a few weeks while I was deciding what to do about mine (sell, keep, etc.). As a thank you, I not only verbally expressed my gratitude, but I physically vacuumed and wiped out his car when I was finished and put in a full tank of gas as a way to show my appreciation. I know it meant a lot to him, and while I could have simply paid somebody to do it or even given him some cash for the use of his vehicle, I know it meant something to him that I spent the time making it nice for him. It made him feel loved.
Similarly, the other night he was making himself hot chocolate, and he offered to make me some. I realized that was his way of extending love to me. It wasn’t just a polite, “Want some too?” It was an actual love offering. My saying “yes” enabled him to express love to me, and vice versa.
My daughter: quality time
My daughter, Avery, is all about quality time. She loves nothing more than for me to sit down with her while she’s scrolling through TikTok or reading a book or journaling and simply keep her company. It doesn’t matter if we talk about anything important or not—it’s just the time spent together.
So I’ve learned to pay attention. If she asks me to sit down with her, I try to make that a priority. Of course there are a gazillion things I could be doing instead, from making dinner to cleaning, but I choose to use my time in a way that serves her better and honors our relationship. I interpret her invitation as a request that I pour some love into her—or understand that she’s offering to pour some love back my way. (I’ve even learned to appreciate TikTok thanks to her. It’s hilarious!)
My husband: touch
Matt’s love language is touch, which means I have to pay attention to little physical gestures when I’m around him. If he’s standing in the kitchen and I need to put something in the sink, one way I can show him I love him is by scratching his back or gently squeezing his hand as I brush by him. When we’re in the car driving, I can put down my phone and instead link my fingers with his. When it comes time for family movie night, cuddling up next to him fills his cup. It’s the same thing with the kids or the dog—he loves to wrestle with our puppy and tickle-torture our teens. Their shrieks and giggles in response are music to him. A hug means a lot.
My mom: gifts
My mom goes all out when it comes to gifts. It’s not that she spends an extraordinary amount, but rather it’s all the time, effort, and thought she puts into gifts. She spends days and sometimes weeks thinking about the perfect present and how to assemble it, then wraps it up nicely with a pretty bow and a sweet celebration. It’s not just family members, either—you should see what she gives her mail carrier or her friends at the dog park.
When she gives me a gift, I know she’s put her heart into it. And so when I want to show her love on her birthday, at Christmas, and on other occasions, I make sure a gift is always part of the equation. It’s a small but effective way to show how much she means to me.
Me: words of affirmation
Most of the time my people are really great about loving me back with the words I crave. See, words of affirmation aren’t empty compliments but rather words that let me know they see me, they hear me, or they value what I say or do.
In addition, I can honor my own preference for “love words” by choosing to love my people with their love language and my own. That is, when I give Matt a quick squeeze, I can also murmur “love you.” When I get Cam his water, I can say something kind. When I watch TikToks with Avery, we can chat. When I give my mom a gift, I can tuck a sweet card inside with all the loving sentiments I wish to express.
In the Gospel of Matthew, when asked by a religious expert which is the greatest commandment in the Law, Jesus told him, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:37-40 NIV).
Loving your neighbor as yourself means treating them with the same care we’d give ourselves or that we desire for ourselves. While it does mean providing food, financial assistance, and a friendly ear to people, it also means getting to know them and attempting to love them in their language.
Figure out how they respond or care for others in their world. For instance, do you have a neighbor who often bakes cookies for everyone, “just because”? Consider how you can love her through an act of service of your own.
This holiday season, we get a ton of great opportunities to love those around us. Consider how you can love like Jesus, and love your neighbor “as yourself,” by understanding and attempting to love others in their own love language.
A prayer: Dear God, please help me love others in a way that shines Your light in the world and draws them into Your kingdom. Amen.
