When Love Looks Different
By Jessica Brodie
Have you ever done something incredibly dumb without realizing it?
Several years ago, I needed gas in my car. It had been a tough day, and I was frazzled and exhausted. I pulled into a gas station and started filling up—only to realize moments later I was actually filling my car with diesel instead of regular gasoline. Quickly, I switched to the correct gas, and thankfully, other than a little smoke, my engine was OK. I learned later it could have been far, far worse. Putting diesel in a car designed for regular gasoline can clog the fuel lines and damage the engine. It was a dumb move, but I learned my lesson: Don’t get gas when frazzled and exhausted.
Recently, I realized my mistake applies to another, far more important part of my life: My relationship with my daughter, Avery.
Avery, who turns sixteen next month, is an amazing, brilliant, and beautiful young woman who has strong faith in the Lord. She also has diagnosed mental illness, struggling with generalized anxiety disorder and depression among other things. Because of this, there are times when she doesn’t act rationally. She gets stressed out and overwhelmed by things other people—those without mental illness—might handle with ease. We have to do certain things to help keep her even-keeled, such as structuring our day and keeping checklists, things our other three children don’t require on the same level. Sitting down with her and fully explaining things, particularly when it comes to change, also makes a huge difference.
Like using diesel in a car designed for regular gas won’t work, Avery also takes a special fuel to run properly.
There’s nothing wrong with this. Our awareness of this—and her own awareness—helps her thrive and our household operate more smoothly. Our other kids don’t need the same style of care, but they still get just as much love. Our love style with them looks different from the love style we use with Avery, but it’s all love, and it’s all important.
Recently, Avery penned her own story in a book I compiled titled Darkness to Light: Finding Jesus in the Valley of Mental Illness. Published by the Advocate Press, the book includes personal stories from people, in many cases sharing about how faith helped them on their road to wellness. (If you’d like to learn more, you can find it at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CJKTT4KW)
Avery shared how, during her toughest bouts with depression, her days were filled with hopelessness, pain, and numbness. She felt dead inside, and the enemy convinced her she was alone and that no one else was going through this.
As she noted, “Many of the people around me didn’t understand my struggles, either. They took it personally and thought ‘tough love’ would fix me. What they didn’t realize is that tough love doesn’t work with mental illness. I was in an extremely difficult and vulnerable time in my life, and others being harsh and demanding most certainly did not help.”
Finally, she understood Jesus was with her every step of the way, even when she thought she had no hope left. Because of that, as well as her hard work with counseling, medication, behavioral techniques, and family dynamics, she’s in a much better place today.
“Things will never be perfect,” Avery wrote. “I am diagnosed with mental illness. But because of my faith, I am stronger, wiser, happier, and filled with the Holy Spirit. I have hope, and all is well with my soul.”
We often use the word “love” for various things. Interestingly, there are as many as eight different Greek words for love, each referring to distinct types of relationships, levels of intimacy, and situations, such as agape (unconditional) love, or eros (romantic, passionate) love.
Each of these kinds of love might take different or special fuel, just like the different people in our world might require different fuel.
The better we can be aware of what it takes to love the people in our world well, the better our relationships will be.
Jesus told us we must love other people. It’s our trademark, our identifying mark telling others we belong to him. As he said in John 13:34-35, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (NIV).
Sometimes, people in our lives need different styles of love. Pivoting to love someone the way they need and want is a good thing, and it honors Jesus.
This week, take a look at your relationships. Is there someone in your life who seems to need a special fuel, a special style of love, like my daughter does? How can accommodating this help you honor Jesus’s command in a better and more merciful way?
A prayer: Father God, thank you for loving me in such an extravagant and generous way. Even though we are sinners and undeserving, you sacrificed your son, Jesus, so that we may have eternal life. Help me honor this vast love by loving others as abundantly and generously as I can. In your holy name I pray. Amen.
Have you ever done an Advent daily devotional? It’s a helpful and personal way to experience the four weeks leading up to Christmas. Please consider my new book, Preparing Our Hearts, designed to start Dec. 3 through Christmas. Available as an ebook and paperback: click here.
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